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06:28pm 12/03/2008
mood: anxious
what I really want to do this summer is be with you. but you're probably leaving, maybe for good. this scares me.

(need a shoulder?)

03:06am 19/10/2007
mood: exhausted
There is a light through the trees outside my window, that I can see through my reflection.

If I put my head in the right spot it looks like I have a twinkling star in place of one of my eyes.

(need a shoulder?)

03:54am 08/09/2007
  I feel like a shabby, discarded version of myself.
There must be hundreds of other caelas, all parallel, and I happened to get stuck with the bad luck.
I can pinpoint the moments when I should have done something differently.
They feel like rocks in my stomach.
I can just imagine some other caela, who listened to her instincts.
She is happy. healthy. not lonely.
Is it possible to be jealous of yourself?
Because she is not me. She is the good child.
The chosen one.
The one with all the luck.
I am the other one.
When did we switch places?
I can see her sitting at her computer now.
Everything just slightly different.
I feel neglected.
She just got a brand new car for Christmas,
and I got coal.

If there is someone up there, they are obviously punishing me for something.
I just wish I knew what.

(1 tear :: need a shoulder?)

to know know know her is to love love love her.   
11:59pm 19/05/2007

he cute!

(1 tear :: need a shoulder?)

I got ants in my pants and I need to dance.   
10:19am 19/07/2006
mood: lethargic
this article really hit home with me. It's something that I have been thinking and postulating over ever since the fifth grade, and maybe earlier, when people were asking me to teach them to draw...


"So it is with classical music, painting and drawing, professional
renditions of which are now so widely available that most people
probably can’t or don’t imagine there’s any point in bothering to do
these things themselves. Communities of amateurs still thrive, but they
are self-selecting groups. A vast majority of society seems to presume
that culture is something specialists produce."

damn right.

(need a shoulder?)

04:27am 07/07/2006
mood: drunk
sitting in a park in paris, france.. reading the news and it sure looks bad
they won't give peace a chance
I guess that's just a dream some of us had...

where's my fucking rogue?
I don't care if he steals my camera
I want ones...


I'm concentrating too much on boys and not enouhg on my work and shit. who the fuck am I? that's what I've been asking... so what?
I'm like... this awesome chick. but what? who sees that?

like I care...

dad picked me the eight of earth.. the mountain.
same thing phil got,
and the sad thing is, I'm pretty sure it was the same message for the both of us....
except he's taking his in a different direction.
because ihe can actually get laid
whereas I am quite incapable at the moment, apparently.

fucking losers...
even musicians aren't entranced by me?

and what's with this belly?




master class tomorrow?
the show ends on sunday...
that's going to be ca-ra-zy

I sang one of my favourite songs at kareoke tonight... and roger, jared, shelby and I sang bohemian rhapsody as the last song of the night... we're fucking awesome like thaaaaaaaat.


happy day caela.. you love need it
I'm less drunk than I sound, I swear. nighty night


(5 tears :: need a shoulder?)

I can tell you what it takes to feel the highest highs. You laugh and say nothing's that simple....   
02:24am 30/06/2006
mood: pensive
I'm free... I'm freeeeee.
and freedom tastes of reality.

greetings from the hamptons.
this one's for kelsey who hoped and prayed for an update from me.
so here I am, working my ass off, surrounded by gay, unattractive, or old men. or assholes. I'm learning, I'm living, I'm drinking quite a bit.. and there's even some kareoke.
the show is going really well though. It's probably the best thing I've ever worked on.. the actors are all amazing.. and the dressers? out-fucking-standing =P
I have gotten pudgy (but I'm attempting to fix it..)
I've already kissed a girl and don't remember.. (apparently there are pictures, but I think everyone's just lying)
My skills as a dresser are rapidly increasing, whether I like it or not...
All the money I earn is being spent on such frivolities as food and parking tickets...
I went to the beach once...

and I'm going crazy because there is little to no intelligent conversation, the kind that whets my appetite and invigorates my soul
and I'm going even more crazy because there is absolutely nowhere to dance in this godforsaken community....

how can I live without tango?

someone save me... just send me a beautiful, smart man to dance with and love..

I miss all my kids back home (thank goodness bailey and burak are coming to see the show on saturday!) and I miss all my kids from the brick factory.. we shall get together yet!

ssleep time must happen now.

happy kelsey?
I'll keep doing this...

(and go fig, the only guy even remotely interested in me is a musician.. gee and I thought I was over them ^ ^)

oh, and I met my dream/spirit guide.. guess what kind of animal he was? a small wolf! go figure, huh... (sort of a mix between a wolf and a red fox)

(1 tear :: need a shoulder?)

03:25am 05/01/2006
mood: I enjoy pretending to be caela
Ooooh, look at me, playing world of warcraft. I'm so cool, with my flaming horse. Everybody loves me, because I'm just soooooo awesome. Now I have to pee.

(2 tears :: need a shoulder?)

11:34pm 10/12/2005
mood: uncomfortable
Meme: open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrasing it is.

How many songs: 3773

Sort Song by Title:
First song:'Til I Fell in Love With You - Bob Dylan
Last Song: Zoot Suit Riot - Cherry Poppin' Daddies

Sort by Time:
Shortest Song: Jay Mohr's impression of Christopher Walken reading Good Night Moon on The Simpsons 0:21
Longest Song: Beethoven's 9th Symphony, movement #4 24:38

Sort by Album:
First Song: Family Affair - Mary J. Blige
Last Song: If I Should Fall From Grace With God - Pogues

Top 5 Most Played Songs
WFUV radio stream (33)
Beautiful People - Rusted Root (19)
The Professor & La Fille Danse - Damien Rice (17)
Beautiful World - Colin Hay (16)
Overkill- Colin Hay (15)

Last 5 Played
Let Me Clear My Throat - DJ Kool
Angel Band - The Stanley Brothers
Let Me Be Surprised(from All Dogs Go To Heaven) - Melba Moore & Burt Reynolds
I Want to Marry a Lighthouse Keeper - A Clockwork Orange
Rain Dogs - Tom Waits

Type in "..." and how many songs come up.
"sex" - 12
"death" - 3
"love" - 236
"you" - 405
"blue" - 85

(need a shoulder?)

04:41am 04/12/2005
mood: peaceful
what is there to say?
I have the most amazing life I could ever ask for. I thank whatever deity there is out there every day for what I have been given.
-----------how do I love thee? let me count the ways.

sometimes I wander... sometimes the rain is so enthralling and sometimes I want to lay under it in the trees and let it fall all around me and cover my limbs and carry me off. I love to float

on aaaanything!

this post is dedicated to Dave and Kelsey, the two people who have told me that I should update it. also for Bailey, my estranged Sister, separated through academic atrosities.

Quel dommage! Qu'est-ce que tu pense? Je sens comme une petite fille, un fluer, un animaux trop petite et a l'air confus. Je ne comprend pas ces idees, ces emotions. A, quelle bonne monde.

I went through a period of questions and feelings and realizations today. My life is amazing. wonderful. so FULL of love and happiness. so full of people who I appreciate ------------------

wait a minute. Hoooold the phone. this is breaking news coming to you live from Purchase college....

It has officially started snowing. we ran out and spun and danced and whatever weird mood animosity confusion trepidation I felt before........ well it melted away like snowflakes on two pairs of lips in the heat of a kiss.

sometimes I wander..

so for all you folks out there in radioland, I tell you that it has been an amazing night, so confusing but that's all well and good. I can see that my life..........
I feel so blessed.

this has been a ridiculously convoluted journal entry. whoopsies!

in more banal yet exciting news: I have my first portfolio review on tuesday at 2:45 sharp. I'm excited. I'm nervous! I think I'll do alright... it should be interesting and fun and ahh whatever.. it will be what it will be.

I am at peace. I've realized that when something is not quite right or I am unhappy somehow.. whenever I lie down it feels as though I am rocking gently on the waves of a great ocean.... and until I understand what it is that's affecting me, and fix it... I don't feel level

I'm not going to get all sappy, sorry for all you avid listeners, (aka Kelsey)
this ramble has brambled all its trambles and now some cambles are bumbly bambled. night guys
reves biens.

(3 tears :: need a shoulder?)

01:23pm 26/07/2005
mood: blah
there was a river. that was the central problem.. there was our town on the one side, from whence we had snuck in the night. we were off doing something fun.. something that good little children shouldn't want to do but it wasn't anything bad. on the other side of the river there was a dock but no boats ran that late. there were sailors and people who worked the dock. when we were trying to get back over we stopped on the dock and fineggled our way onto a sort of raft. this guy said he'd take us over. he was drew but he wasn't... he played the cello on the raft. I lay down right next to it to catch every vibration it put out. the water was like oil when it catches the light.. hundreds of colours.
I was upset. my boyfriend was being mean to me, just like the last one. I began to worry again if it was my fault, everything. he kept showing me a house in the hills--one I had seen before in another dream. it had many lights, it was a constant fiesta. he kept suggesting that we go there, his eyes were cruel. I said no, I should get back to my house. the raft went slowly since the man who would have been rowing was playing the cello. at times there were many people on it with me and at times it was just me and the cellist.

that's really all that I can remember. if you've been around me for the past couple days it's pretty obvious where everything came from... the river is my anxiety about sex, the town is family/tradition and my departure from the home to go to college or to become more "grown-up" with this relationship....
there was intense mood lighting throughout the whole thing... would be wonderful to paint..

the cruel man suggests my fear over relationships and my still-tender spot from burak.. I'm always scared that they'll be cruel and make me believe I'm doing something wrong. the cello player was just from last night, when I asked a man on the ferry to play me something on his violin. he didn't. it made me sad.

the house is my desire and anxiety to open myself up to drew.. let my feelings out. but it could also be about the issue of sleeping over at his place.. or both.
the vacillation between company and solitude.. not sure.

maybe I'll keep a dream journal one day

brian's leaving today, and I'm going bellydancing later

(1 tear :: need a shoulder?)

desperado... you better come to your senses...   
01:01am 25/07/2005
mood: discontent
Body of a Woman

Body of a woman, white hills, white thighs,
you look like a world, lying in surrender.
My rough peasant's body digs in you
and makes the son leap from the depth of the earth.

I was lone like a tunnel. The birds fled from me,
and nigh swamped me with its crushing invasion.
To survive myself I forged you like a weapon,
like an arrow in my bow, a stone in my sling.

But the hour of vengeance falls, and I love you.
Body of skin, of moss, of eager and firm milk.
Oh the goblets of the breast! Oh the eyes of absence!
Oh the roses of the pubis! Oh your voice, slow and sad!

Body of my woman, I will persist in your grace.
My thirst, my boudnless desire, my shifting road!
Dark river-beds where the eternal thirst flows
and weariness follows, and the infinite ache.

--Pablo Neruda

fucking males.

still having trouble with sleep.

hate mixed signals.


(1 tear :: need a shoulder?)

I don't need no doctor, cause I know what's ailin me   
10:27am 19/07/2005
mood: groggy
went to sleep at 3.30
woke up at 9.30
got up at 10

troubled dreams again
there was sliding and giants and secret marriages

can't remember much else. remember feelings of worry.

when I can't sleep I sew for some reason....

(2 tears :: need a shoulder?)

Like the man said, rode hard and put away wet.   
11:43pm 16/07/2005
mood: nauseated
Can you deny? there's nothing greater..
nothing more than the travelling hands of time
Saint Genevieve can hold back the water
but saints don't bother with the tear-stained eye

[x] have someone suggest black-market pharmaceuticals to me
[x] use a pair of fuzzy red handcuffs

feeling sick now.
there's only one thing that can make me feel better. and it's not within reach

(6 tears :: need a shoulder?)

Why are there so many songs about rainbows? and what's on the other side...   
11:49am 13/07/2005
mood: groggy
was a very very wonderful orientation. made some friends, had a bunch of laughs, hung out with Justine as she was my OL by some awesome twist of fate. learned some stuff, like that I'm not actually registered to go to Purchase yet. because they never got my health forms.
spent approximately 20 minutes in my dorm room overall, changing mostly.
went on Justine's secret places of Purchase tour and saw some AMAZING firefly (lightning bug) strobe-lighting going on in the woods. touched the elephant tree, over 200 years old, walked to arizona, saw STARS! (johanna and I, being from cities, were very impressed)
ended up deciding not to sleep, instead hung out with Justine, Johanna, Jami, Dan Romer (love that name), Billy Garret and Sarah-two current and one incoming film con geeks, Muz who needs to give me a nickname, and some other kids on the quad until 3.
Justine was attempting to conceal Dan Billy and Garret's drinking of Pabst blue ribbon around a bunch of freshies. Billy almost tricked me into chugging vodka (thinking it was water as I was desperately thirsty) Garret actually was nice and got me some water (chipping in 25 cents for it too)
had some interesting conversations
decided to try to make perogie for them
went in search of farmer's cheese at the stop and shop at 3:30. ended up stealing a loaf of bread, some sushi, and some Soy ice cream because NO ONE was in the checkout line and we were calling for three minutes.
almost drag raced a cop
was hit on by some very high stock boys at Trader Joe's subsequently (yo three girls, you some sort of pimp or somethin? Dan: yea! guess so!*shakes hand*) (yo where you from? Jami: Nashville Guy: nevamind....)
got to partake in the closest diner to Purchase, feeling bad that we weren't ordering more
ended up talking about and singing Rainbow Connection in the diner, discussing how amazing it was and funny stories
sang some of Mercedes Benz (Janis Joplin)
got back to the same spot in the quad and saw that they had left two empty beer bottles RIGHT in the middle
other freshies thought I was an upperclassman and had been drinking with the faculty o.O
went to the soccer field to watch the sunrise with Justine James and Dan Romer
--got into the extremely dewey field and decided to go spin around (AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY JOINED IN!!!) and got my first purchase cut (aww!) first of many, I'm sure.
tried to throw bags of sand with Dan Romer, failing almost miserably
saw Kelly!! who was hanging out for the sunrise as well!
Justine attempted to tackle Dan Romer, but did not succeed
Justine told me to tackle Dan Romer, and I did succeed
he stood there gaping mouthed at me, and I hurt his back so I fixed it
we sat there watching the sunrise, an amazing one where you could actually see the rays
escorted Dan Romer to his construction job at the Music building so he could sleep
finally sang the whole of Mercedes Benze in the ladies' room of the Music building, coming out and seeing Dan Romer shake his head at us
walked around and talked before going up to the rooms to change and go to breakfast.
tied up loose ends, hung out with peoples a little more and left.
slept for TWENTY HOURS

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

me en route, playing with the wind
Purchase? hm......Collapse )

a fun day or so had by all.
sad I didn't get any pictures at night, that's when the crazy shit happened.
Justine and I figured out that we're going to take this place by storm, but we'll probably end up fighting to the death because we fulfill the same roles (massaging, horoscope giving, crazy enthusiastic girls)
but half of these people won't see me after a week into school. ah well ^ ^

(8 tears :: need a shoulder?)

I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys   
12:50pm 10/07/2005
mood: annoyed
ugh. early morning plans fell through today because I had to be cocky and attempt to "nap" blah!
so I'm going to meet david for this Blind Boys of Alabama concert (free!) and then will meet kevin and leighann in town later. but I shant stay too late, for I have some sort of "college orientation" tomorrow. what's that about?

[x] go to a rave
[ ] go to one of those maps-to-a-secret-warehouse-location raves
[ ] get a foot massage from a creepy "foot massahhhge" guy
[ ] give some random person a massage/polarity at a rave
[x] dance like a lunatic, uninhibited
[ ] dance interpretive tango to trance music
[x] hang out eating oatmeal cookies in the chill-out room
[ ] drive over the Verrazzano
[x] find parking in brooklyn
[x] get quasi-lost in brooklyn
[ ] get really lost in brooklyn

(need a shoulder?)

When I get that feeling I want... sexual healing   
05:43am 10/07/2005
mood: happy
so went to this rave thing, right..

so fun!

jeff was being a puss and bailed so it was just Alex and me in Brooklyn (Sout Brooklyn as one sign said)
the place is great and the whole idea is wonderful. I danced a bunch which was sooooo cool and I watched other people dance. it was amazing how many people came there with really good backgrounds in ballroom dance. you could really tell.

hilights of the night:
--guy who did the BEST ROBOT I'VE EVER SEEN
--girls with amazing outfits
--pair of hot tango dancers doing something amazing
--one word. GOLDPANTS!
so alex and I retired to the chill-out room after a while. a wonderful little spot. and while there we meditated and watched all the other people. One pair in particular..... this man with red-beaded dread-locks, no shirt, face paint, and gold spandex pants fringed with white stuff. At first I thought he was gay (the voice decieved me the most) and as we watched him perform these gravity- and clothing-defying yoga feats with this hot skinny chick I thought how perfect it would be if he were trying to get laid. And after the girl accidentally couldn't tie her shirt up quite right and alex pointed out the ginormous boner in his pants we began to understand his diabolical plan.
this bare-chested painted man with GOLD pants on managed to lure this girl to him with yoga and a high squeaky voice. I was amazed. they ended up on the foot-massage guy's chair going at it like bunnies as much as they could with their clothes on.
at first I had no respect for the man in the gold pants.
and then we came to understand and embrace his luster.

and now I have true reverence for Commander Goldpants.

(plus he managed to get her on the chair RIGHT when they started playing sexual healing for twenty minutes, much to the chagrin of alex and myself)

(3 tears :: need a shoulder?)

11:08pm 09/07/2005
  going to a sober rave tonight

should be fun ^ ^

(3 tears :: need a shoulder?)

Followers would cling to you, hang around just to meet you. Some through roses at your feet and watched you pass out in the street.   
07:29am 03/07/2005
mood: tired
[x] get someone to come outside by throwing rocks at their window

(need a shoulder?)

10:31am 30/06/2005
Jane Smith
You scored 45% Ruthless
You are Jane Smith from Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Those pretty looks (or handsome if you're a man) will definitely be of use once you show the opposition you can really throw down when the going gets tough. You keep your cool in sticky situations, and are a pretty good shot. You have a fair ability of getting yourself out of a jam, but you still make a few mistakes every now and then (like almost getting killed by your spouse). Keep working on your skills, and you should be a fine secret agent in no time.

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(3 tears :: need a shoulder?)